Way back in the 1900s, on the third day of my driver’s education driving experience, the instructor (who had also been my scary 8th grade history teacher) said to me, “You’d argue with a sign post, wouldn’t you?” That might have been my first “calling out”, the first time I consciously realized I had pushed somebody’s button. Now I know it’s happened many, many times since. As a button-pusher, I’m not alone. I’m certain of this because other people push my buttons too. Do you verbally express your intolerance of others’ religious beliefs? Do you smack gum incessantly? Are you a rule-follower, regardless of the situation? Do you drive slowly in the left lane while talking on your phone? If so, you are likely to push one of my buttons. Interestingly, I’m fairly certain that some of my behaviors would push your buttons too.
Several years ago, as a resident in a terrific chaplaincy program, my supervisor asked me to reflect on my need to be correct and my tendency to cut ties with people (or groups of people) who push my buttons or anger me. In addition to the reflection challenge, she suggested that I consider two words– “explain” and “explore”. According to the Group Systems theory of Yvonne Agazarian, many people tend to explain their stance, rather than explore the stance of other people or better yet, explore the self.
The “Explain vs. Explore” dichotomy is transformative. Do my buttons still get pushed? Yes. But now, instead of explaining why my way is better or explaining (usually to myself) why I should cut a person out of my life for not being like-minded, I go exploring. I explore my internal process, asking, “Why did his comment push my button?” “What is it exactly that boils my blood about a situation?” The outcome has been an ever-improving sense of self-awareness. I wonder how much divisiveness (political, religious, friendships, familial relationships, etc.) happens because we are quick to offer explanation for our stance without the benefit of exploration–exploring the self for hidden agendas and/or motivation OR exploring what it might be like in another persons’ shoes.
The world has outstanding technology that allows space exploration, archeological exploration, scientific exploration . . . the list goes on. The best kind of exploration–self exploration–seems to be the most accessible, with merely the push of a button.
Loved your “Button” theory. What a marvelous way of looking at others who push us over the edge at times. Thank you for sharing your story Scottie. I may need to get a jar of buttons to remind me to explore.