Living Large

“You have been selected to be in a pool of contestants,” the postcard read.  It arrived via the US postal system in late August. “That’s nice,” I thought, remembering the lines and lines of people who were auditioning for the game show–and that was at the Charlotte audition.  The auditioning crew had been to 20 other cities–I’m certain it was an Olympic-sized pool of contestants.  Two weeks later, on September 16, I got the phone call from the the area code “212”–New York City.  “We want you to come to New York City to be on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire.”  I sincerely hope that associate producer’s hearing has recovered from the damage of my high-pitched, very loud, scream. “Your episode will be recorded on September 26,” he said.  What?  Ten days to make arrangements to get to New York?  Ten days to learn all the U.S. Presidents’ birth places?  Ten days to learn the favorite foods of Motown recording artists?  Ten days to memorize the details of the state flags? No–the details of every country’s flag?  So much trivia to remember!  So many  details to manage.

In the Trivia/General Knowledge of my local Barnes & Noble, I found Ken Jennings’ Brain Busters, The Big Book of Trivia, Trivia Bible . . . I took a grand total of eight books to the checkout counter. Gathering information was my main priority for the following week. September 26 arrived faster than I wanted.  There were twelve other contestants waiting at the stage door. We were escorted in, given a tour of the studio, allowing each person to step up to the podium and answer a question. “Meredith will stand here,” they said. My time at the podium finally came at 2:00 in the afternoon. Meredith was very kind and personable. The audience cheered wildly. I saw my mom, dad, and my friend, Jane (who I had not seen since 1984) sitting in the “family seating spotlight”.  The first question popped up, and BAM! $100! I answered all the questions I could, jumped two questions, and asked the audience for help on another question.  I saw eight of the ten initial questions and was able to walk away with $14,000–not too bad for about seven minutes of thinking.

Throughout those ten days–from the day I received the phone call to the minute I signed the release allowing me to receive my winnings–I was a bundle of nerves. Sleepless nights, butterflies in my gut, stress-induced zits!  I didn’t even remember the questions until three weeks after returning to Charlotte. The INFORMATION was there, but had chosen not to be TRANSFORMED by the once-in-a-lifetime experience. With the benefit of hindsight, I knew the answer to all the questions I saw during my chance at the million dollar prize, but out of fear, I jumped questions or asked for the audience’s help.  I often wonder what would have happened if I’d spent those ten days focusing on my breathing, my centeredness, my inner calm.  Taking in all the segmented information, processing it appropriately, then allowing a calm and peaceful presence to envelop the chaos–that’s the TRANSFORMATION. It’s almost as though I was afraid of winning the million dollars.

One of my tasks as a coach, minister, chaplain, and educator is to engage with people about the distinction of living life out of fear and the need for power versus living life from a place of joy and passion. It is easy to get caught up in the events of life, so much so that we lose our mindfulness in busy-ness.  There’s nothing wrong with taking in information. The bonus points, though, come when what you learn transforms your life.  There’s “heady” knowledge and “hearty” knowledge. Knowing the importance of “both/and”, as opposed to “either/or”–that’s worth more than any game show prize.

Since the time since my episode was recorded, I have stood in similar emotional places–qualifying exams for my doctoral work, interviews for jobs, facilitating large groups in leadership development workshops.  From my experience on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?”  I have learned to take what I know and allow it to transform my way of thinking. Managing my fear is much easier when I take the time to process the feelings, thus TRANSFORMING the INFORMING.  On famous letter-writer said, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” Change your mind.  Change your way of thinking. Be transformed.

Several years ago, I started training for sprint triathlons. Being 46 years old, this new venture required learning some new skills. I’ve enjoyed road and mountain biking for many years, so getting back on a bike was like . . . well, getting on a bike. However, my running/swimming was basically non-existent. Over three or four months I became a decent runner–not fast, but had pretty good form. Better yet, I enjoyed running.

Swimming? Ugh. On the first night of training I met with the group’s YMCA coach, he asked each participant to swim two laps–up and down the length of the pool. I swam as hard as I could down the length of the pool. When I arrived at the other wall, he caught my eye and said, “You don’t have to swim back if you don’t want to.” I was grouped with the other “non-swimmers”. Like the running segment, over a few weeks and with the help of a patient and effective coach I learned to swim more efficiently, earning the right to move into “group two”. There were several aspects of training for the swimming leg of a triathlon that I enjoyed: cool, clean, sterile water. It was easy for me to follow the thick black line painted on the bottom of the pool. The lane dividers were helpful too. I trained–ran, biked, and swam for four months, getting better and better each week.

Finally, the first Saturday in June rolled around and I drove to the site of my very first triathlon–Lake Wiley. Yes, “lake”–not a cool, clean, sterile pool. The lake, as I learned in elementary school, is a habitat for fish, snakes, and all kinds of plant life. That’s right–in the lake, there is life. There were no lane dividers and no thick black line to lead the way. Thankfully, Wonder Coach had reminded me of the differences between pool and lake. “When you feel overwhelmed, flip over on your back, look at the sky, breathe slowly, and calm down.” Sage advice for triathlon participation.

Funny . . . the things we learn while training for triathlons. Like the lake, life is void of lane dividers and thick black lines to lead the way. Life is much like the lake–it’s a habitat for all kinds of people, behaviors, encounters. The advice given to me for my first triathlon swim works in the everyday–“look at the sky, breathe slowly, and calm down.”

Remember the Sesame Street song, “One of these things is not like the other?”  It continues, “One of these things just doesn’t belong.”  Backed by a jaunty little tune, the lyrics entice the listener to find the unmatched item. Interestingly, the song isn’t just for kids anymore.  Do you notice the incongruities that surround you? They’re quite fascinating.

For example, during many rallies and events related to Breast Cancer Awareness, you might find pink cupcakes, pink M&M’s, and all kinds of other sugar-infused pink treats.  At the same time, studies indicate that too many sugar calories may result in weight gain, which may result in a higher risk of getting breast (and other) cancers.  Here’s another example: The latest and greatest leadership studies show that emotional intelligence, team-infused corporate culture, and work/life balance are critical elements for a productive workplace. At the same time, surveys indicate that the majority of employees in the U.S. are dissatisfied with their work, often because they work for a boss who micromanages or leads from a place of fear and need for power.

Incongruities have a way of sneaking into our lives–both external truths and internal truths.  I’ve been pondering the verse from the Christian scripture –“You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”  It seems more and more difficult to find “truth”.  It’s a conundrum, isn’t it?  The Sesame Street song asks young listeners to call out a blue circle among the set of red triangles. Grown-up mismatches aren’t that simple. It’s one thing to talk about the mismatches in life that surrounds us. What about the incongruities in our own life?  When did you last ask yourself, “Why am I resistant to _________ ?”  I know I’ve become a victim of myself . . . laying blame for not facing truths about myself. I use the word “victim” intentionally here.  It’s an easy place to land in truth-seeking, but that’s just it . . . it’s never going to become truth-finding until the truth is named and dealt with.

“If you guessed this thing is not like the others, then you’re absolutely . . . right!”

“Somebody didn’t know what they wanted to be when they grew up.”  Ouch. After barely introducing myself to a new colleague last week, his comment hit hard. Trust me, I am aware that multiple job changes open the floor for comments, questions, and the occasional roll of the eyes. Moving from workplace to workplace doesn’t happen on a whim. It’s painful. When I look to many of my other friends, I see their long histories with companies or agencies.  I can’t help but wonder . . . “what’s wrong with me?”

One of my theories is that in my search for a really great job, where my skills and gifts are going to be valued, I’m living my Plan B. My new colleague’s comment was significantly stinging as it reminded me that when I was little, I wanted to be a wife and mother when I grew up. I can remember playing school with my younger siblings, but in my mind, I wasn’t the teacher.  I was the teacher’s helper–the “room mother”. Oh, I had it planned out all right.  I was going to be married, live in Statesville, and be a great mom to three kids. I planned to be very active in community activities and in my community of faith.  In fact, I planned to play the piano for my community of faith, and teach piano.  My life choices have not matched up with what I wanted to be when I grew up–my Plan A.  Most of my friends understand their purpose as being mostly related to their family–spending quality time with their children, instilling character and integrity, creating a legacy.  As much as I want my two cats, GrayCee and Ginger, to grow and prosper . . . well, let’s get real.  My purpose is more peripheral than an immediate family.

As it turns out though, Plan B translates into “Plan ‘B’etter than Plan A”, for me.  I’m not married and didn’t have kids, but I have taught lots of people how to play the piano, I’ve enjoyed becoming a pseudo-athlete, and have almost completed a doctorate in educational leadership.  Sometime I’m saddened that Plan A didn’t happen–especially the kid part.  When I was little, I wanted to be a wife and a mother, but I also wanted to be happy, valuable, respected, and joy-filled. If that’s Plan B, bring it on–even if change is a part of it.

Way back in the 1900s, on the third day of my driver’s education driving experience, the instructor (who had also been my scary 8th grade history teacher) said to me, “You’d argue with a sign post, wouldn’t you?” That might have been my first “calling out”, the first time I consciously realized I had pushed somebody’s button.  Now I know it’s happened many, many times since.  As a button-pusher, I’m not alone.  I’m certain of  this because other people push my buttons too.  Do you verbally express your intolerance of others’ religious beliefs? Do you smack gum incessantly? Are you a rule-follower, regardless of the situation? Do you drive slowly in the left lane while talking on your phone? If so, you are likely to push one of my buttons. Interestingly, I’m fairly certain that some of my behaviors would push your buttons too.

Several years ago, as a resident in a terrific chaplaincy program, my supervisor asked me to reflect on my need to be correct and my tendency to cut ties with people (or groups of people) who push my buttons or anger me. In addition to the reflection challenge, she suggested that I consider two words– “explain” and “explore”.  According to the Group Systems theory of Yvonne Agazarian, many people tend to explain their stance, rather than explore the stance of other people or better yet, explore the self.

The “Explain vs. Explore” dichotomy is transformative. Do my buttons still get pushed? Yes. But now, instead of explaining why my way is better or explaining (usually to myself) why I should cut a person out of my life for not being like-minded, I go exploring.  I explore my internal process, asking, “Why did his comment push my button?”  “What is it exactly that boils my blood about a situation?”  The outcome has been an ever-improving sense of self-awareness.  I wonder how much divisiveness (political, religious, friendships, familial relationships, etc.) happens because we are quick to offer explanation for our stance without the benefit of exploration–exploring the self for hidden agendas and/or motivation OR exploring what it might be like in another persons’ shoes.

The world has outstanding technology that allows space exploration, archeological exploration, scientific exploration . . . the list goes on.  The best kind of exploration–self exploration–seems to be the most accessible, with merely the push of a button.

This is the only picture.

No fancy links.

This is my very first blog entry on my website.  New stuff is scary.  I’ve been meaning to start this blog for over a year, but have found other things to distract me from accomplishing this somewhat tiny task.  That’s what fear will do for you–help you find distractions.

In December 2013, I completed the coursework for my doctorate in Educational Leadership.  I have found every distraction imaginable to keep me from writing my dissertation.  In my mind, it’s a big scary monster. Two nights ago, I dreamed that I was a large commercial airplane crash on my house (no one was hurt).  Interested in dream interpretations, I googled “dream of plane crash”.  Guess what it revealed . . . that I’m afraid of overcoming a big task.  Hmmm.  Wonder what that task might be.  Until Thursday, I would have connected to my past year of being unemployed.  Having received and accepted a terrific job offer, I didn’t connect the dream with unemployment, but with the process of writing my dissertation.

Tonight, there will be no dreams of crashing airplanes.  Tonight, I have conquered a scary task in connecting this wordpress site to a hosting site.  Tomorrow, I will go to my writing spot and focus on getting started on Chapter One (of five).  The scary task of finding a job is behind me.  The scary task of getting this blog started (a distraction from writing a dissertation) is behind me.  For the next three weeks, I have nothing but time to write.

The scary monsters in our lives are our own creation.  I just “poofed” some of mine away.  Where are your big scary monsters?